Tuesday, 1 November 2011

All new, all British - It's Tintin!

by Tom Dunn 

In a shock twist, paper The Daily Mail has bought the rights to produce new material featuring Herge’s classic character Tintin, bringing him smack – bang into the 21st century whilst “returning to the character’s Le Petit Vingtième roots,” harkening back to such culturally sensitive stories as Tintin in the Land of the Soviets and Tintin in the Congo. Coinciding with the release of Tintin: the Secret of the Unicorn, The Daily Mail have released solicits for all the upcoming stories, each of which will be published in daily instalments throughout the year. Look out for these exciting new adventures soon!  

Tintin and the Purple Gazelles  

Under orders from his editors at The Daily Mail, Tintin catches a train to Croydon to report on the latest developments in youth hooliganism; the summer riots of 2011. His insight into the other side begins sooner than he might think, as one eager youth has used his Blackberry communication device to disrupt the train’s speedometer, threatening to send a train full of hard working white males to their undeserved deaths! Luckily, Snowy saves the day by nabbing the dastardly smartphone between his jaws whilst Tintin swiftly dispatches of his opponent and turns disaster into opportunity, switching out his blue sweater for the grey shell-suit uniform of the youth. Armed with “Smithy’s” Blackberry and in full enemy regalia, Tintin is swiftly able to infiltrate the ranks of rioters to get a full report on the action, whilst perhaps also doing his bit for Queen and country along the way. Events take a turn for the mysterious, however, when it becomes apparent that a nefarious cabal of pirates are using the riots as a shield to gain a most coveted treasure: a pair of purple Adidas Gazelle trainers! Tintin must call upon his cunning and the occasional trigger finger to save the day.  

Tintin and the Fox Fiasco 

Under orders from his editors at The Daily Mail, Tintin catches a train to central London to report on the scandal surrounding “Dr.” Neil Andrew Fox, otherwise known as Foxy, the former judge on Pop Idol, who, it is believed, may have been sneaking fellow judge Pete Waterman into the Magic 105.4 building on at least forty occasions. Waterman’s actual activities at these times are unknown and probably quite boring, but the point remains. His attempts to crack the relationship between the two and blow the scandal wide open are continually dogged by a new pair of foes in Tintin’s colourful world, Messrs Boe Ring and Dullas Dychwatur. Events come to a head in the Magic 105.4 studio room, where, after longwinded discussions and a lack of real public interest, “Dr.” Fox resigns. Comic relief is provided by the series stalwart Haddock, largely through such exclamations as, “Eh?! Who gives a fucking shit?!” 

Tintin and the Social Strategem 

The jewel in the crown of The Daily Mail’s Tintin reboot, details on this story are a closely kept secret! Suffice to say, it involves time travel, a plot to segregate Dover as a separate, militarised state, and a reduction of all culture into a world of celebrity worship, with only Tintin able to ensure such a utopia may rise! 

A cracking future for our plucky reporter, I’m sure you’ll agree!